Walk on the Woolly Wild Side: X-Rated Knitting and Other Weirdness from the World of Wool
Being all thumbs, I admire anyone who can make stuff — any stuff — I hold anyone who has good hand-eye coordination skills in the highest regard. But browsing through some of the knitting books in the library made me wonder about you knitters. Some of you are knitting some pretty weird stuff. Freaky, kinky and requiring a level of obsession that I truly respect. (Try googling "knitted brain hat.") It seems you can knit almost anything. Do you fancy a chicken hat? You can knit that. Is a chicken hat too plain for your tastes? Dress it up with a knitted Salvador Dali moustache for special occasions. Knit your own moustache contains patterns for a variety of 'stache styles, as well as beards, pigtails, dreadlocks and more.
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In his posthumously published picture book, Dr. Seuss asked, "What pet should I get?" But for knitters, the question seems to be, "What pet should I knit?" You can knit cats of all kinds (such as Abyssinian, Persian or Siamese) and dogs of all kinds (such as bulldog, Shih Tzu, or poodle). Pick up Knit your own dog and its sequel, Knit your own dog: the second litter, or Knit your own cat. You can knit a parrot, a goldfish, or a guinea pig. Want something edgier? How about killer bees, a bearded dragon, or conjoined lab rats?
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I even found a knitting pattern for a miniature photocopier machine! This was in a book called Knit your own Kama Sutra: twelve playful projects for naughty knitters. You'll have some explaining to do if the kiddies get their hands on this book — it contains graphic photos of sexual positions in wool, some of them quite gymnastic. Positions include: 'the suspended scissors', 'the lotus blossom', 'the lustful leg' and 'the ape'. This book gives new meaning to the term 'soft porn'. Consider yourself warned. If you're too embarrassed to borrow this book, you'll just have to use your imagination to guess how the photocopier is used. But don't be shy! The library has self checkout, so you can enjoy total anonymity.
In the world of knitting, it seems, ANYTHING goes.
What's your cup of tea, nerd-wise? Star Wars fans can knit Princess Leia's cinnamon bun hairdo. Better get those needles clicking if you want to wear it to the premiere of the new Star Wars movie, on December 18. You'll find the pattern in Knits for nerds. Remember the wampa, the fierce white beast on the snowy planet Hoth, in The empire strikes back? See if you can pick him out below. He'd keep you warm on a cold Toronto day, eh? Or would you prefer a Sherlock Holmes hat, modelled below by author Neil Gaiman in Geek knits? If Game of thrones is your poison, you could knit yourself a dire wolf, like the one perched on George R. R. Martin's shoulder. For fans of The walking dead we have, Knit your own zombie. Zombie aficionados know that zombies are held together by no more than a bit of rotting tendon and come apart easily. Clever use of velcro strips allows you to rip your knitted zombies apart and put them together in new combinations. If only I had serious knitting chops — I'd marry my love of Star Trek to my love of cats and a Star Trek cat sweater would be born.
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You can even harvest the fur balls under your bed for raw material. Knitting with dog hair shows you how. A colleague told me her friend collected dog hair for weaving! I admit, I'm completely out of my depth here, but I see no reason why you couldn't use cat hair instead of dog hair. Knitters, I have an idea for you: knit a mouse out of cat hair — or would that be too cruel an irony? Or how about knitting a cat out of cat hair — for authenticity. But truthfully, I don't really get knitted cats. Why would I spend one minute with a knitted cat when I could be chillin' with my actual cats? But I can understand knitting a cat for your cat. I even understand knitting a cat for your cat's cat. But beyond that, madness lies.
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You need more than animal companionship, you say? No problem: borrow a copy of Knit your own boyfriend: create the man you've been yarning for. (There is no 'Knit your own girlfriend.' Yet.) But you don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to define you! Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all! AmiguruME will teach you how to make a fuzzy little you to love. Or you can make your friends. The book blurb promises, "You'll learn everything from depicting the face of the person you're designing to getting the clothing, hair, and accessories just right." (Tell me I'm not the only one who immediately thought voodoo doll after reading that. Shouldn't be too hard to sneak your enemy's hair from their brush and sew it onto their woolen head…)
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You wouldn't want your knitted friends and frenemies to go hungry, would you? Knit them some food! There are patterns for peas in a pod, strawberries, bananas, cupcakes, ice cream sundaes, sushi, hot dogs, lollipops, candy, pizza and more. Kick back and watch Knitflix for a small sampling of knitted foods:
Patterns for these treats and more can be found in Tasty cute: 25 amigurumi gourmet treats. Amigurumi, the art of knitting or crocheting small, unbelievably cute stuff, originated in Japan. And this is where I leave you — in the land of amigurumi, where no one ever grows old and death shall have no dominion. A cute-opia where even the purest evil can be knit into sweetness. In amigurumi land, Hannibal Lecter would be an adorable, wee man sporting a whimsical woolen straight jacket, with a fuzz ball head way too big for his tiny, harmless limbs. Do you want to explore this happy land? Here are some amigurumi books to get you started:
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14 thoughts on “Walk on the Woolly Wild Side: X-Rated Knitting and Other Weirdness from the World of Wool”
I’ve never felt the inclination to get crafty until I read this wondrousness. Possibly the best blog post ever written. Kudos!
Thank you, Maureen, for such a delightful blog post about the frontiers of knitting. Knitters are fearless!
Tread carefully if you follow that inclination, Stacey. My explorations have shown me that those who take up the needles run the risk of becoming obsessed. Thanks very much — I’m so glad you enjoyed my post!
I sometimes frequent a site called ravelry.com, and there’s a plethora of weird and wonderful patterns available there, both paid and free. Recently, I saw a pattern for knitted “oysters” – aka a part of the female anatomy that really ought not to be sewn onto a pair of mittens – and thought to myself, now I’ve seen it all!
Great great post, Maureen! I’m a knitter and stick to the basics (i. e. scarves and toques) I did not know it was possible to knit all of these quirky and interesting things that you mentioned!
Nicely put, Muriel! I really did explore the frontiers of knitting and discovered it gets pretty strange out there (but in a good way). Thanks for your comment.
That’s hilarious, Elaine! Hard to believe it could get weirder than that! But whenever I think I’ve seen it all, something comes along and surprises me. Give it time – you’ll probably see something even more bizarre than “oyster” mittens. Thanks for your comment, which fits nicely with the theme of my post!
Thank you Melba! Like I said in the post, I truly do admire people like yourself, who can make beautiful things with a ball of yarn and a couple of pointy sticks. My mother tried to teach me how to knit but she gave up in despair. Elaine’s comment demonstrates that I was just revealing the tip of the iceberg, doesn’t it? Maybe you should consider taking a walk on the woolly wild side.
We’re luvving this post! fumble fingers, do not knitters, moth-eaten muddler
C, D, E from AL.
🙂
Wow! I’m knitting my brows right now! I’ve seen amazing knitted creations! What I learned from your blog is beyond the pale! Such creativity!
Thanks fumble fingers, to you and all your knitting pals! I love that knitters have nicknames – or should I say, knitnames!
Yes! My investigations into the whimsical world of wool taught me that not only do knitters have great hand-eye coordination skills, they’re also creative and ingenious! There are so many intriguing items I could have included, for example, “The twelve knits of Christmas” (“brings the popular verse to life as knitters of all skill levels create each of the twelve characters featured in the charming holiday song “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”)
http://www.torontopubliclibrary.ca/detail.jsp?Entt=RDM2908100&R=2908100
Here’s another one for fantasy nerds:
Charmed knits : projects for fans of Harry Potter
http://www.torontopubliclibrary.ca/detail.jsp?Entt=RDM212801&R=212801
This is great, I’m going to check these all for the elusive TARDIS hat pattern I saw once while browsing books three years ago!
If you don’t find the TARDIS hat pattern in one of the library books I mentioned in this post, you might want to have a look at ravelry.com, which Elaine (who commented above) introduced me to. I saw at least three versions of a knitted TARDIS hat on this site. (You can get patterns there, some free, but you do have to register on the site.) You can also get patterns for TARDIS socks and TARDIS mittens, if you really want to step out in style. Mind you, the hats I saw viewed the TARDIS from the outside. I cannot imagine a TARDIS from the INSIDE knitted hat. (As all Doctor who fans know, it’s a LOT bigger on the inside.) Any creative knitters want to take that challenge up? Good luck with your quest. Here’s a link to one of the TARDIS hats featured on the site.
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/tardis-hat